songbird

peaing:

 

i dunno dude, i guess i get what youre saying but i just dont agree, i’ll explain why:

1. not everyone has the self confidence that you do. not everyone can wear what they want, when they want, without allowing other peoples’ opinions to sway their decision. its just not that easy for some people.

2. i think you’re underestimating the power of the male gaze. people designated female at birth are taught pretty much from the moment they learn to walk that their goal should be to please men, and as soon as they hit puberty they’ll feel the way people look at them change, and it’ll make them 10x more conscious of their appearances from then on. even the way people talk to them will change, tones will become more accusing, judgmental, it will stop being subtle hints at how they should look/act/be, it will be blatant remarks about what they’re doing wrong. they will quickly learn that what they are isnt enough and that they need to fix themselves and they will do it with a mans opinion in mind. 
a boy at school said their boobs were too small so they’ll wear a different bra and curse their genes for giving them an A cup. they’ll hear on TV that men like smaller thighs so they’ll begin trying to modify their legs and hate themselves when they fail to achieve their goal. they’ll be told that in order to be loved they have to be beautiful. they will learn that in order to be beautiful, a man must tell them they are.

its an awful cycle and its so hard to break and its so hard to tell yourself you dont care when everyone’s telling you that you should. when you play “oh honey, you really shouldnt buy that top that you so obviously adore, it doesnt flatter you” like a chorus in your head; when “girl, you better hit the treadmill soon, you’re starting to look a bit pudgy” is what wraps around your thoughts at night; when you go to sleep thinking about all of the men that say they dont understand why women wear makeup and that “natural beauty is better” when everyone knows who they’re really talking about are beautiful girls who naturally look like they’re wearing makeup all of the time. its really hard not to care when you’ve been conditioned your entire life to care, when your mom frowns at your stretch marks while you get dressed and you know shes wondering if a man will still want to marry a girl with scars, when its been drilled into your head that you cant be good enough, no matter what you do. you cant promote self-worth while simultaneously brushing off the fact that the entire world is trying to crush it.

and this isnt every mans fault, obviously, and i’m not trying to say it is,
but when you say to a girl “why do you want a thigh gap so badly? no male in the world cares about that sort of thing” youre telling her that she should care what men think of her. and she shouldnt care. she should be able to want things for herself on her own, without considering the opinions of a man or anyone else. 

when you make these subtle comments about how a girl should and should not be because of boys or future husbands or sexual partners, youre reinforcing the strength of the male gaze. youre giving men more power over women. youre brainwashing more girls into thinking that they must try and fit an impossible criteria and its causing more girls to hate themselves once they realize they cant.

the male gaze is powerful as hell and i made this post in a burst of anger and insecurity and didnt expect it to get as much attention as it did, otherwise i would have made these points already; but when you tell me to take it easy on guys i get defensive. i dont need to be told to be kind to the people who ruined my self esteem - whether it was indirect or not -, who benefit from my oppression, and who will keep saying things like “her shorts are too short for a fat girl” or yell out “hey, muffintop!” to strangers on the street or tell me that my eyes are too far apart or my hair is too short or i shouldnt get facial piercings because they dont like it. 

im not going to be kind to them unless they fix their behavior, unless they actively use their privilege over me to make my voice heard, to encourage people to stop teaching their daughters that a dudes opinion about them matters at all. because it doesnt.

men are also conditioned to care about what women think of them but its different because a mans worth is measured by his brains, his personality, who he is a as a person and not an object. a woman’s worth is measured by the size of her chest, her waist measurements, the symmetry of her face, and her ability to charm a man enough for him to want to marry her.

i’m sure you meant well with this reply, and i’m not angry with you personally but — well, i guess this is just something that really gets my panties in a bunch.

I appreciate you responding back. I understand where you’re coming from. I know everyone isn’t in the same boat as me. I’m sorry if I came across badly.

I just wanted to say that people, in general, are cruel. For every man-child that points out a flaw or thinks he knows better than you what you should wear or how you should look, there’s a catty girl that’s whispering to her equally shallow friend about the same things. We, as a species, are cruel to each other, and there’s awful people who seek to break others down, independent of gender. That’s all I’m getting at.

Society spoon-feeds us all the shit you mentioned, I know it can drown out any feelings of just being comfortable being you. It’s a struggle, but it gets easier when you start making up your own mind, tuning it out, and surrounding yourself with positivity. I’m not saying it’s easy, by any means, especially if everyone in your life seems to buy it without a second thought, perpetuating it. But if you can recognize the bullshit and call people out on it (men and women, strangers, friends and family alike), then you’re at least beginning to break down its power on you.

The world will try to drag you down, it’s true. It’s hard to get by sometimes, let alone be happy enough with yourself to quiet those nagging voices of insecurity that only grow louder with the scrutiny of others. I understand. But it’s people—it’s certain, awful people—men, women—that are too caught up in themselves to realize how one misplaced, careless or callous comment can affect this other human being. It’s not just “men.” It’s a certain type of person, and I wouldn’t even consider it a majority. It just so happens that, like most things in life, the negativity-causing minority are the loudest, especially when you aren’t comfortable with yourself. Unfortunately, it seems like one negative comment takes dozens of positive comments to offset. 

Being happy enough with yourself to not care what others think comes with being able to choose who’s in your life. It depends a whole lot on who you surround yourself with, which you might not be able to influence until you’re on your own, and even then, good quality people tend to be the hardest to find.

If you have family that’s doing this to you (or anyone who’s going through this), it’s a difficult situation that you have to bear until you can get away from it and put some distance between you and whoever is preying on your insecurities. If it’s a friend, or someone you consider yourself close to, you don’t have to put up with that. Nothing is worth that, regardless of how long you’ve had that friend, or if they’ve changed; anyone you let into your life should bring only positivity—life is too short and too hard for anything less.

I’m not saying I’m right, and I’m not trying to make it seem easier than it is. I was lucky to have a good family that always supported just being yourself, and I’ve been very selective with my friends, especially when people starting getting more cruel in middle school. I still have my relapse moments, where I’m conscious of my thighs when I’m wearing shorts and sitting on the bus, if I pass by certain people when I’m alone, and I’m especially bad if anyone laughs within a 100-foot radius of me, I always feel my anxiety spike; the thoughts and insecurities still creep back in if I let them.

I just want more people to be able to be happy enough with themselves that no other person’s opinion will hold weight, at least on a regular basis. If you surround yourself with good people who care for you then the opinions of a stranger will mean less than nothing. If you look in the mirror and you are happy with yourself, then who cares what anyone else says? No one who means a damn thing is ever going to make you feel bad about yourself, and people who do have their own issues. You have to be happy with yourself in order to ever build positive self-image; if there’s anything you want to change about yourself, then do it for yourself, and no one else. And at the end of the day when you say, “There’s nothing I’d change about myself” then you’ll find it easier and easier to tune out negativity.

Unfortunately a lot would have to change to make people stop criticizing anyone who doesn’t fit a certain mould and being “attractive” is just a small part of that mould; energy that’s spent being upset or frustrated by the negativity of others could be spent making you happy with yourself. People have no more power over you than you let them; you have all the power in the world to be happy with yourself. It’s a damn good bit of effort but it’s attainable. People will push you; you just have to push back.

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with negative people in your life. I really hope it gets better, and easier for you. No one should be made to feel worse about themselves.

peaing:

sssssstop telling girls about what guys prefer in a woman oh my god like who CARES what men like? their opinion is not going to change the fact that the girl wants shorter hair or a whole bunch of makeup or a thigh gap. dont try to change her mind by telling her what boys like because thats just giving the male gaze even more power over women and its shitty let girls do what they WANT without thinking of how boys will feel about them because of it 

Coming in to defend the menfolk again (I’m a girl, btw).

I still don’t understand the women who get their panties in a bunch about stuff like this. Sure, unsolicited opinions can be irritating sometimes, but that pretty much goes for anything, regardless of topic or the gender delivering said unsolicited opinion.

Promote self-worth in girls so that they feel comfortable with their own identity, style and choices. Don’t get mad at men for having preferences and maybe voicing them sometimes. Women like to act put-out by men throwing out their opinions but we have our own preferences as far as men go, and a lot of us aren’t shy about it either. Society shapes both genders and both genders do this to the other, men aren’t solely at fault.

Speaking for myself, I’d consider that I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin but I wasn’t always. I feel for those who haven’t gotten there yet; at such a stage, any opinions can be grating and damaging to your own self-image, but that’s because of where you are personally, it’s not any one person’s (or collective gender’s) fault. 

When I get a man’s opinion on something, either on me personally or just girls in general, it doesn’t influence how I feel about myself, because I get up in the morning, dress and do my make-up in a way that makes me really happy and confident all day, regardless of how I may be perceived by either sex. 

Generally though, I find men don’t endorse all the stereotypical “perfect women” traits that get shoved down our throats by the media, so I’ve always liked asking men (I have a lot of guy friends) about what they like in women. The media wants us to wear make-up and be skinny (not always, but a lot of it), saying that’s what is “attractive” but I’ve talked to tons of guys who think girls are beautiful with and without make-up, and who love girls who are just healthy for their height and frame.

Just take it easy on guys. Most likely, they don’t know how it affects you and aren’t trying to influence you in any way. If they throw out something you didn’t ask for, brush it off, have enough confidence in yourself and what you like to just keep on rocking. Most of them aren’t trying to say anything to get you to personally change, they just have preferences and types, same as we women do.

If you truly do what makes you happy, then confidence comes natural and you’ll find that no one’s opinion really makes a difference in your day :)